I'd Rather Not Be 15 Again

Apparently feeling 15 again isn't necessarily a good thing...

Like I do every day, religiously-okay obsessively-I got up this morning and checked Twitter. And the first thing I saw was a tweet from Mel that Jonathan was gone. Gone? What do you mean gone? I checked my other sistahs-his tweets were deleted, his profile blank-no background-nothing.

The thing is, it wasn't hard to believe.

I was 15 in 1994 when Jonathan Knight "fell off a horse." They had a concert scheduled somewhere in Florida and I was planning to go with friends I'd made on a Prodigy-the great, great technological grandmother to Twitter.

The concert never happened. And I still can't listen to "If You Go Away" without twitching. Ironic, foreshadowing, haunting, "If You Go Away."

I think it was a few months, maybe close to a year before I realized they weren't coming back. I was never angry about it. Just sad--sad and disillusioned and vacant, like they seemed the last time I saw them perform on Arsenio. They sacrificed so much for us for so long. I wanted them happy. Obviously, Jonathan wasn't happy. I surmised the others weren't either.

When Jonathan and Jordan went on Oprah and talked about their anxiety disorders, I suddenly found a connection to the Knight brothers I never expected. I had never been a Knight girl. But I sat on my futon and watched Jonathan fight his way through that interview, and I'm not sure I blinked once that whole hour.

You see, by the time the Knight brothers went on Oprah, I, too, had been diagnosed with Panic Disorder.

What I experienced at my worst was nothing compared to what Jon dealt with that day. I was amazed, in awe, and inspired.

That was the day I decided to become a therapist.

I haven't had a panic attack since the reunion started. It's the longest time I've been panic-free since I was diagnosed over 10 years ago. I think the part of my brain that makes me a survivor realizes if Jonathan Rashleigh Knight can get on stage every night for months at a time, what the fuck do I have to panic about??

So now he's disappeared again. His Twitter profile says "be back soon".

Jonathan, if hell freezes over and you read this, we love you. It's been less than 24 hours, and we miss you already.We're sorry someone invaded your privacy and reminded you of everything you grew to resent about us back in 1994. If you can't come back-don't. If you don't want to come back-don't. but don't let the bastids get you down. Don't let one crazy bitch ruin it for YOU-you've come too fucking far.

"If You Go Away" is stuck on repeat in my head. Please make it stop.